Updated: Apr 7
I drafted this blog post in June of 2019 before the world changed... It's sort of a fantastic thing to look back at! The way I was feeling at the time and the world that we all exist in now are fascinating to me:
Right now I want to go into the energy of the moment and what I'm feeling and what others close to me are experiencing because it's so complimentary and insightful and expansive for all of us to share what it is that we're observing and going through... if that's not already obvious (ha!)
So here's what I've been going through and maybe you can relate.
Two weeks ago I decided I was going to drive from Florida to Oregon, leaving everything I know and relate with (my friends, family, daily routines, comfortable lifestyle, etc.) and going into the forest for 3 months. It was such a big decision for me for a few reasons: first of all, I left my job and partnership a month ago; secondly, I had an offer and opportunity to work for a tech firm that would have been very comfortable and financially secure for me; and third, I have such a supportive and loving friend and family base where I live that to leave... feels almost crazy.
For the last week, I have gone through such a large wave of up's and down's but for a good portion of it all, I've felt really good and confident about the plans I've set in motion... which is great for me, but having said that, I have also been feeling the opposite of confident and secure (which is also healthy to feel that or acknowledge in my opinion). I've felt a lot of pressure to go forth and move forward, set things in motion, make it happen... also the pressure to make enough money to survive and contribute (which has its own fears and pressures in of itself), the pressure to take care of things that need to be done in preparation of leaving, and the pressure to figure out life as I know it.
It's somewhat difficult to put all of this into words and perspective as I experience everything, trying to give a glimpse into my mind isn't easy... I also want to get to the point with all of this information but I think there might be some utility in going a little into depth about my thought process and the experiences in between the insights, so I'll continue.
As I felt this powerful, potent, intense, crucial/critical time I felt quite a lot of comfort in the idea that it wasn't just me experiencing this wild energy. I don't know exactly why that is, that for some reason because other people are going through it too, I wasn't alone.. and maybe its because people close to me were experiencing something similar, and because I trust them and believe in them, knowing that we are going through it together... because of that, I know everything is going to work out for the best of all of us.
Getting to talk to the people I love and hearing everything that they're going through (experiencing the same transformative, uncertain, and powerful changes I am) I realized that I am making a powerful decision for myself to move forward in an unknown direction.
In life we want to fulfill our deepest desires, we want to live with meaning, to do something that only we can do, experience our true potential, carry out our life's purpose. So often we compromise our souls, we turn off our hearts, we do things because we want to survive, we want to live comfortably... I could look at my situation in many ways... wherever my consciousness goes, that's what defines my experience. If I looked at my life right now with a mindset of competitiveness I could be feeling pretty low, but thankfully, I feel like there's a deeper truth I am rising to meet.
The situation I find myself in is a boundless opportunity and I've decided that I will integrate my soul life with my life's work. I will commit to what is alive inside of my heart and never compromise that for anything or anyone. Now, this is the place I have always wanted to live. I want to share a somewhat anecdotal story about a friend of mine who is being given the same opportunity:
My friend (let's call him Nick) has just been put out of work because the boat he works on crashed! Nick is a wonderful person with so much to give and share with people, he's truly a bright light in the small town we live in. He's also a talented artist and he's been working on putting out new music but lately, he's been working so much that he just hasn't had the energy to devote to everything it takes to mix and record. So here he is out of work and given this almost obvious opportunity to focus on what he really feels is important to him, what he finds joy in doing, and what satisfies his soul. The whole idea of being out of "work" is terrifying to so many (I know this first hand) and to see someone like Nick handling it so gracefully and with compassion for others going through the same fears; it's just so reassuring and inspiring to keep going in the direction that feels right for me (and hopefully for you reading this).
When Nick was telling me about the other people he works with being out of a job, he was so thoughtful and empathetic to their circumstances and it's one of the many things about him that I value. He had considered all the challenges that his coworkers may be facing while taking the situation he finds himself in lightly. Nick has always been a genuine, sincere, and authentic (not to mention extremely talented) person, and when I think of whatever true masculine energy is and what it means to be a man, he's one of the few that I feel truly represent that.
Nick is just one example of someone I talked to recently who is being faced with the same transformative energy I've been experiencing. Pretty much everyone I know is going through it at some degree in their life. To see that this is going on is almost surreal, I mean how do you make sense of such a "coincidence"? I can say with confidence that I trust whatever natural order there is in this Universe and I'm always looking for the signs that guide me.
To continue with what I've been feeling; I know that my decision to drive across the country is what feels right for me, even though logically it might not make sense. Logically I would have taken this office job a few weeks ago because money is important and I want to be able to thrive and take care of my loved ones right? Well, the answer to that question is this: I know that the only thing that I can do to help my friends, my family, and the world at large is to self actualize; to be who I truly am without all of the layers and projections put on top of my soul from society, my family, my false ego, and all the other influences. The best thing I can do for the people I care about is to find out who I am and cultivate my gifts so I can do what I have been brought on this Earth to do.
Making a lot of money, sitting at a desk, selling products to "consumers" does the complete opposite of cultivating my soul, it completely depletes me of any life force I have. What is it that gives us meaning? What is it that we do daily that nourishes our spirit, our souls, and why is it that those activities tend to be hobbies and not what we do for a "living"? I'm not attempting to answer that question, rather I want to give an antidote to the idea of why we even need to consider the question.
We are not consumers, we are human beings. We define how we express ourselves and we choose, every moment, how we respond to life. I'm committing myself that from now on, I will go in the direction that feels right in my heart, that cultivates my spirit, that aligns with my intentions and motives, that brings meaning to my life. I am aiming at something greater than a false sense of security, I am aiming at a life full of meaning, experience, love, and a devotion to service. The containers that we have lived in and felt comfort in for so long are no longer enough to contain us. We are outgrowing the comfortable shell of status quo, we have something unique inside of us all, yearning to be nurtured, expressed, and fulfilled.
It's time for us to go forward and take a step in the unknown or take a step in the direction that feels right for our True Self... go after what it is that you are truly passionate about. Always.
There's no other time than now, you could say to yourself "well if I just keep working at this then eventually I can do what I really want..." Well, maybe that's true but maybe you'll never get the chance to go after what it is that you want, and if you already know what that is, what are you waiting for anyway!? Let's rise up to the occasion here, let's use this energy given to us and let's live our lives the way we know we want to!
I'm suggesting you take the risk of doing something that you've always wanted to but were too afraid to because you weren't sure exactly what would happen. It's like if you went to a trade school to learn a trade then you and the people around you would say "Oh! You're working towards something and if you stick with it you'll get a good job in this field and you make a certain amount of money and you can expect all these things and that's great!" However, when you're going in your own direction, making your own way, going through your own unique experience with your own unique progression; it is very hard for others (and even yourself) to see the progression or evolution through that path.
I wrote this in 2019 a month before I left "home" and ended up living in my car for 7 months... Walking willfully into the unknown. I made a choice to leave everything I knew in order to be the person I could be if I believed in myself, God, and Creation.
It was the scariest thing I have ever done in my entire life and I grew immensely. I met a true partner who is committed to me. I live in a beautiful home in a beautiful place. I failed so much. I held myself accountable. I experienced new things that changed me. I realized through the experience that is still happening who I really am. Bit by bit; step by step; failure by failure. I learned what success means for me. I showed up for the life I have been wanting my whole life. I've made the choice that I will be a living example of how to design the life you dream of having.
I love you. Thank you for reading this.
Spiritual Field Note 01-27-2021